When confronted with any signs of danger, every living creature must defend itself. It is a hardwired response built into every physical being, in order to survive. So it's okay to acknowledge to yourself that you have a defense mechanism. Think about warrior Archangel Michael with his sword and his armour. It signifies that even the most peaceful angels have to sometimes go to battle.
When confronted with any signs of danger, every living creature must defend itself. It is a hardwired response built into every physical being, in order to survive. So it's okay to acknowledge to yourself that you have a defense mechanism. Think about warrior Archangel Michael with his sword and his armour. It signifies that even the most peaceful angels have to sometimes go to battle.
2. Be Aware Of Your Physical Reactions
Whenever someone says or does something that stirs a reaction out of you, it's important to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings to yourself. Maybe you notice that your stomach muscles tighten, you perspire, or you become flush with anger, rage, and even embarrassment.
If possible, walk away from the situation, even if you have to excuse yourself to go to the restroom. This point in time, walking away helps calm down your physiological reactions. Otherwise, you may act impulsively and say things you would later regret.
Once alone, have an honest conversation with yourself. Begin by noticing how you physically feel. Is your heart racing? Is your breathing shallow? or Are your thoughts explosive? Any of these reactions can show the other person has triggered anxiety within you. This anxiety response is also known as "fight or flight".
It's a good idea while you're by yourself to meditate. Pray for guidance, support and peace. You need to be honest with yourself and with others. Last thing you want to do is engender hard feelings.
3. Don't Bottle It Up
Whenever we avoid conflict, we tend to keep out feelings to ourselves. This is a form of dishonesty and manipulation. Trying to control the other person's reactions by controlling what we tell them. By that, you're being controlling if someone ask you if you're upset and you tell them you aren't when you really are. You're trying to keep him or her from being angry with you or from starting an argument with you. You tend to hold your feelings inside to prevent the other person from seeing that you're hurt.
4. Don't Blurt It Out It doesn't mean that you have to go to the extreme and bulldoze your way to the other person with a blunt truth. There is an in-between way of handling that situation. Be honest. After you've collected your thoughts and feelings, go to the other person and say "I'd like to clear some things with you."
The phrase is non-threatening and it keeps the communication open. The other person wouldn't feel accused on the spot. Start taking deep breath and silently pray for strength and go in with a clear mind. Your heart may be racing but you might even be perspiring. Know that at any time you do something for the first time, you'll feel intimidated or afraid.
Look into the other person eyes and say to him or her from your heart and without apology. "I really care about our relationship, so I need to share my feelings to you in order for us to clear them." Now you got the other person feel threatened or defensive by this. Don't let that throw you off guard, unless the other person becomes verbally or physically abusive. Don't try to negotiate with an abusive person, especially if he or she intoxicated. If the abuse occurs, leave immediately and seek appropriate support or protection.
I have wrote a checklist (down below) on being assertive.
Don't use blaming or shaming words. Even if you do blame them, say that you do will shut down all further communication.
Use phrases such as : I feel, I felt, and to me. That way, you're not poking and prodding at the other person with accusatory phrases.
Do your best to keep your cool while talking about and owning your feelings. Allow yourself to be authentic, but don't act on this emotion such as yelling or calling names.
Don't diminish, belittle, or apologize for your feelings...ever! Remember: you have the right to your feelings, even if the other person don't understand or agree with them.
After you've talked about your feelings, allow the other person to explain theirs. There are always two sides to every story.
Your assertiveness level will get stronger in time. You'll have the courage to say to the person who's lying to you or something equivalent. However, for now, just notice that you get the feeling that he or she is being dishonest, manipulative, or defensive. Those are the kind of people who you don't want to spend much time with. Those are toxic behaviour patterns that permeate all of that individual's relationships.
Toxic relationships will pull you down each time. You don't want to have one when there are so many non-toxic potential friends and partners available. You don't need to settle for an unhealthy relationship. You don't.
Please note that assertiveness upholds everyone's rights. Once you maintain your boundaries and say "No" with grace, love, and firmness, you can teach people on how to handle boundaries.
Wishing you Love and Harmony,